The clock is ticking

The clock is ticking, the calender is flipping, time is slipping away....
And I'm still stuck here, out of "time" looking at the world moving by.
So many things to do, yet I can't find the spirit to do them.

Solo

I am not cut out to live life alone

Grrr! Block leave is killing me.... Yet I wouldn't want to stay in camp without it.... Oh for the simplicity of going to school everyday. Lessons may at times be boring, homework may be hard, but everything was made much more bearable by the people around us. The vitality of the place filled us with energy, even at the end of the day where people are tired, many are still up for a game of bball. Even on the trip home, i still have someone to talk to.

Contrast that to today...
3 hours spent struggling with PyQt and still dunno how do simple things rawr!!!!!
2 hours on youtube watching John Green
2 hours sleeping
2 hours mapling
.5 hour playing poke

feelings during the above....

bored
why no one on fb to talk to
oh no new camp --> what is signals like
                          --> enciks/officers going to be nice not...
and my hse is so dead....

NS, NS quickly finish, and let me go university and say hi to everyone again...

Out of Control...

Powerless to change my current situation, this feeling is driving me to distraction...

Helpless to control where my path will take over the next two years, no matter what is my performance in SCS, I still cannot decide where I want to go for the rest of my NS life. Possibly when I look back after this is done, I might decide that this lack of choice had been a good thing in that it let me get to know more people that I will otherwise not know. It might even not affect my life very much but from the stories that people are telling, that might perhaps not be true haha. Whatever the case, the frustration now is real... hais

This lack of control is driving me nuts... RAWR!

hais, sth else is out of control too...

Change?

Never have I been asked to make new friends within 2 months only to watch them go their separate ways again and having to begin the process again. As someone who has always been surrounded by friends and yet is slow to make friends, this constant change is wearing me down, leaving me sad and lonely. These weekends without going out with my friends are some of the loneliest days of my life.

Watching others move on with their lives makes me wonder where I am going with mine. Stuck in NS for the next 1 year and 8 months should give me plenty of time to think about the next step of my life but no matter where I turn, we all seem destined to be stuck in a world where we are helpless to change things.

The last vestiges of childhood seem to be rapidly fading away, the pressures of having to fend for ourselves are mounting and in the face of these attacks, I am slowly losing myself. Never had I felt so down before, never have I wanted someone to be by my side so badly...

PS: what has happened to the little kid who could smile all day? The one who is never down? The one who looked forward to each day. Who took him away and left this person who dreads the next day, this person who can't summon the motivation to do anything?

Why do we serve?

Was walking home today, when I realised why I serve.
I want a Singapore that is like how it is today, a country which is orderly without being sterile, a country where people can walk down streets feeling safe. Perhaps others serve to protect Singaporeans but I find that be they Singaporeans or not, I want a place where people can rest and feel at home. Looking at the buildings around the country, I realised how much progress Singapore had made and was glad that I am doing my part in protecting it.